I’m not really good at...

Dear Mom,

          Hi Mom, if u’re reading this (well i know you don’t coz if u do, i won’t share this in my blog, xp), well Mom, i got a lil’ confession here, but i want you to know that this has nothing to do with my academic or living matters. This is something even more, unimportant actually, like uhm, trivial things that i don’t, i mean, things that maybe you expect me more, like, uhm, okay, i don’t know how to tell you this exactly..

          Well the thing is, i want you to know that i’m, well i’m, you know, maybe you’re a bit disappointed of me and i feel sorry for that, Mom, really, but i certainly have to tell you this, coz in the strange way this is important to you, i think, but maybe not that important, really, well..

          Okay i’m getting more uneasy right now, so i’m gonna make it straight, huh? Well.. Mom, i’m so sorry to disappoint you but i want you to know that i’m not really good at... cleaning.

           There. I said it.

           You know, Mom, you can be mad at me, you’re allowed, really. I know you expect more from me as a daughter, you know, like more than you expect a child could be, becoz it’s been years for you to keep enlightening me that i am, a girl, i know. Yes, and i know you’re getting bored of that, even tend to giving up, i know that. This past few years you let me brought myself into a mess, like in my room, my attitude, my life.. and you say nothing about that, and i like that actually, i like your silence more than you’re raucous advices, but not whole.

          I know deep inside yourself you’re still expecting something more from me, something even more.. girly (?) i guess, feminine, careful, tidy, organized, smooth, sensitive, etc.. something  like how a woman should be.. i know that, Mom.. and maybe you don’t know, but honestly i’ve been practicing to be like that since long time ago, Mom. I’ve been working on such manners, attitudes, habits, routines, life-style, whatever, i do, Mom.

          But you know, it comes harder than i thought, harder in a mean way, you know.. It’s like so much pressures, so much orders, like a little piece of dust on the table that has to be cleaned or it will ruin your appetite or it may hurt your friend or that stacks of books at the corner that have to be tide up or it will end up in the trash bag, or something that i have to do to my looks: make up, dress up, blush on, whatever, the point is.. It’s leading me to prefectionism! Sensitivity that i never imagine will come to my mind, something’s not me..

          So it’s like threatening me all the time, it’s like i’m not myself anymore..

          And about this cleaning thing, i realize it becomes my duty since the maid is enjoying her time in her hometown. And i do it, right? I do sweep and mop the floor, wash the dishes, water the flower, clean the window, table, etc.. except cooking (disclaimer: not my fault, you’re never allowed me to get near food, Mom, WHY?) Yes i do all of that with trully my heart.

          But you, Mom, you never satisfy with my work.. you’re always like complaining all the time, it’s always ‘Hey you see the dust still there!’ or ‘You use the napkin in a wrong way’, never ‘Good job’ or ‘Thank you’, at least. Oh man..

           Why. Didn’t. You. Understand. That. I’m. Not. Born. For. That. ?.

           Why didn’t you understand it’ll take months, years, ages, to really make it perfectly clean?

           Why didn’t you understand that i won’t spend my 24 hours a day just to practice all of that?

           Even the maid service won’t make it perfectly clean, but you’re not blaming them, why? Becoz you know it’ll cost them more, right?

           So now i’m doing it, for free, for you as my Mom the person who request, for the family, i do all of that with trully my heart, becoz i know it’s my duty, my responsibility.

           So if it’s imperfect now, stop blaming me!

          So this cleaning thing, it’s BEYOND me, Mom. I’m just hoping you to understand, and you have to know that i will working on that, really, you know, it’s just all about time. And i don’t mind you to keep expecting that, really, it’s okay to keep saying that on your prayers, someday, maybe, God will answer your prayers, and by the time He do, maybe i would have married!