Depression Talks – Am I Too Invisible?

I mentioned a couple of times in this blog that I have depression. It started kicking a while back in 2014 when I suffered a mild anxiety disorder resulting from a stagnant career. I had worked in the magazine for a little over 3 years, got stuck in a comfort zone while didn’t know how to escape from it. I also contemplated whether I should stay in the media industry or get out of there and find a new home.

2014 was the year Indonesian digital industry started advancing. Bad news for someone who was raised in conventional media such as magazine like me, because none of my skills could be applied in this new industry. So I thought I needed to learn more about digital and hence I resigned from the magazine and continued working in a digital marketing agency.

Days in the agency went well. It did give me a whole new experience and knowledge. But it was hard for me to be completely detached from the entertainment industry—something that was so close to my heart for almost 4 years. I mean, I love entertainment. I love music and movies. I love how dynamic, multi-genre, multicultural the industry is. I love observing and researching new releases. I love to learn how an artist or a band artistically grow. I love learning how a movie is developed. Most importantly I love sharing my knowledge to people.

All of these passions in entertainment brought me to the point I decided to go back. This time, not to media who could only see and observe the industry from afar, but as someone who actually lives in it. I want to be a part of the entertainment industry. Then LPDP happened. I decided to go back to school and learn Arts and Cultural Management, which I hope could gain me enough skill and knowledge about the arts and entertainment industry.

It all went well, my colleagues and boss in the agency fully supported my decision. I got the scholarship and flew to Melbourne to study. Little that I knew… Things were not as smooth as I wished when I got back. I had to face a reality that all the wanted jobs in the entertainment industry have been taken. Everything changed and settled in less than two years. I had no idea how to get myself in, to the point I had no choice but to accept whatever jobs came to me just so I could make ends meet.

This is when the second depression hit. It comes and goes until now so I need to frequently take pills. A year has passed since I left Melbourne, I still haven’t found the right home. I constantly send out CVs, ask people around, research and research more…

I keep wondering, why? What went wrong? I thought I have it planned perfectly, but why is it not happening for me? What in my plans that were wrong? Am I too invisible for them?

Sometimes when I compared what I’ve been through to someone else’s, I too wonder, why the world isn’t fair? I feel like I’m smarter than them, more experienced than them, I have done greater stuff, more than they could ever imagine. I have done everything. But why? Why do they have better luck? Am I not good enough?

Questioning your worth is the worst feeling ever and that ultimately leads to depression for me. I don’t know how long I will suffer. What I know is that I will always be like this if my passion gets wasted, if I don’t found a platform to do what I want to do. This means I will never found a cure for my depression.