Depression Talks – Am I Too Invisible?

I mentioned a couple of times in this blog that I have depression. It started kicking a while back in 2014 when I suffered a mild anxiety disorder resulting from a stagnant career. I had worked in the magazine for a little over 3 years, got stuck in a comfort zone while didn’t know how to escape from it. I also contemplated whether I should stay in the media industry or get out of there and find a new home.

2014 was the year Indonesian digital industry started advancing. Bad news for someone who was raised in conventional media such as magazine like me, because none of my skills could be applied in this new industry. So I thought I needed to learn more about digital and hence I resigned from the magazine and continued working in a digital marketing agency.

Days in the agency went well. It did give me a whole new experience and knowledge. But it was hard for me to be completely detached from the entertainment industry—something that was so close to my heart for almost 4 years. I mean, I love entertainment. I love music and movies. I love how dynamic, multi-genre, multicultural the industry is. I love observing and researching new releases. I love to learn how an artist or a band artistically grow. I love learning how a movie is developed. Most importantly I love sharing my knowledge to people.

All of these passions in entertainment brought me to the point I decided to go back. This time, not to media who could only see and observe the industry from afar, but as someone who actually lives in it. I want to be a part of the entertainment industry. Then LPDP happened. I decided to go back to school and learn Arts and Cultural Management, which I hope could gain me enough skill and knowledge about the arts and entertainment industry.

It all went well, my colleagues and boss in the agency fully supported my decision. I got the scholarship and flew to Melbourne to study. Little that I knew… Things were not as smooth as I wished when I got back. I had to face a reality that all the wanted jobs in the entertainment industry have been taken. Everything changed and settled in less than two years. I had no idea how to get myself in, to the point I had no choice but to accept whatever jobs came to me just so I could make ends meet.

This is when the second depression hit. It comes and goes until now so I need to frequently take pills. A year has passed since I left Melbourne, I still haven’t found the right home. I constantly send out CVs, ask people around, research and research more…

I keep wondering, why? What went wrong? I thought I have it planned perfectly, but why is it not happening for me? What in my plans that were wrong? Am I too invisible for them?

Sometimes when I compared what I’ve been through to someone else’s, I too wonder, why the world isn’t fair? I feel like I’m smarter than them, more experienced than them, I have done greater stuff, more than they could ever imagine. I have done everything. But why? Why do they have better luck? Am I not good enough?

Questioning your worth is the worst feeling ever and that ultimately leads to depression for me. I don’t know how long I will suffer. What I know is that I will always be like this if my passion gets wasted, if I don’t found a platform to do what I want to do. This means I will never found a cure for my depression.

Inspeksi Apartemen

Hi, guys! How y’all doin?

Today is a public holiday and I have it well spent. Gw baru saja pulang inspeksi calon apartemen. Hohoho~

Spesifikasinya 2 BR, 3 windows, luas 37m², bathroom with shower, heater, sitting closet, dan wastafel, master bedroom pake AC and built-in wardrobe, and small balcony. Fasilitasnya ada security, kolam renang, gym, laundry, parkir (free for 1 car and 1 motorbike), 24 hours’ food court, jogging track, mini market, dan masih banyak lagi tadi disebutin tapi gw ga hapal.

Apartemennya mungkin ga fancy seperti apartemen2 orang yang dulu pernah gw datangi di Melbourne. Bangunannya more like HDB di Singapore rather than a modern apartment, udah agak tua, desainnya sederhana dan jadul. Calon unit gw pun keliatan banget udah berumur. Catnya udah pudar dan terkelupas. Lantainya udah banyak scratch di sana sini.

Tapi apartemen ini adalah yang paling affordable buat kondisi finansial gw sekarang.

The current owner—Mba Sacha katanya lagi butuh uang karena dia mau beli land house. She seems very nice and honest waktu gw, nyokap, and bokap inspeksi tadi. Menjelaskan detil unit dan kompleks apartemen dengan sangat sabar. Membuat gw yakin kalo gw ga ditipu~

Anyway keunggulan apartemen selain yang gw sebutkan di atas antara lain:

- Lokasi. Strategis deket stasiun kereta (500m) dan jalan tol (300m). Masih masuk wilayah Jakarta Selatan. Jadi kemana2 gampang.

- Kompleksnya cukup terhindar dari hingar bingar. By hingar bingar I mean stuffs like malls dan jalan raya yang bising. Cukup quiet dan nyaman ditempati.

- Lantai 19. View-nya amazing, and in my case gw dapet view dari 2 angle, karena unit gw letaknya di pojok.

- Master bedroom luas, lebih luas dari kamar gw sekarang~

- Bedroom satu lagi kecil, paling 2x2,5. Kayaknya bakal gw fungsikan jadi ruang kerja aja, atau walking closet secara baju-baju gw semakin banyak. Definitely won’t stuff bed over there~

- 3 jendela membuat sirkulasi udaranya bagus banget. Tadi gw udah takut apartemen ini bakal smelly secara orang udah tinggal di sana 10 tahun, ternyata nggak smelly sama sekali. Sejuk, ga perlu AC kalo siang-siang karena angin dateng dari segala arah. Cahaya matahari juga, comes from everywhere so no need to turn the lights on during the day.

Soal luas 37m², it’s smaller than I thought. Karena terakhir gw ke apartemen Kakak Inunk di Bassura, dia punya tipe studio 18m². Gw pikir calon apartemen gw akan 2x lebih besar, ternyata setelah masuk, berasa kecil juga. Jadi kalo beneran jadi gw beli, harus pinter2 interior design supaya keliatan spacey.

Speaking of interior, kalo beneran jadi gw beli, gw akan spend banyak untuk menyulap unit ini supaya ga terlihat kusam dan tua2 amat. Gw harus semi-renovasi. Yang pasti gw bakal cat ulang semua dindingnya. Yang sekarang kepikiran warna hijau kebiruan atau biru kehijauan. Terus gw mau ganti juga lantainya jadi kayu karena kesannya lebih friendly dan homie. I will change the lights, karena yang sekarang warna orange. I’m #TeamWhite, so~ Kitchen set juga harus ganti, yang lebih sederhana aja. Toh gw jarang masak. Sesungguhnya gw hanya butuh microwave untuk bertahan hidup, tapi nyokap pasti insist beli kompor. I will need to change the toilet as well, ga mau bekas orang~

Soal furniture, I think I won’t buy many since I’ll be living alone. Paling beli tempat tidur, queen size I think cukup buat gw sekarang. Terus beli sofa bed, meja, sama rak buat di living room. Nyokap bilang sebelum beli kita riset di Ikea dulu aja mau kayak gimana. Tapi belinya di spesialis carpenter, supaya kualitasnya lebih bagus dan ukurannya lebih pas.

Now onto the main question: why do you want an apartment?

Hmmm… Gw udah pengen tinggal sendiri sejak kuliah di Melbourne. Gw sangat menikmati solitude dimana ketika pulang kuliah atau kerja, I really don’t want to socialize or interact with people, I just want to have a good rest, chillin with my laptop with nobody bothering.

Kenapa apartemen bukan land house? Pertama karena solitude itu tadi. Tinggal di land house berarti gw harus berinteraksi dengan tetangga, dengan infrastruktur seperti satpam, dll on daily basis. I don’t want any of those. Orang2 yang tinggal di apartemen on the other hand, I’m pretty sure juga seperti gw. Social interaction lebih minimalis. Kita tetap harus kenal tentu, tapi kan ga harus berinteraksi setiap hari.

Tinggal di apartemen juga ga usah musingin stuff like banjir, bocor, outside noise like pedagang keliling, motor dan mobil, dan orang2 warawiri, ngabisin berjam-jam di jalan kalo ke kantor, dan masih banyak lagilah alasan masuk akal yang pernah terpikirkan oleh gw.

Now onto a more serious question: why do you wanna move out?

Well… I’m old, that’s for sure. It’s only natural for me to move out. I need some space for myself to grow as an independent child. I think it's sexy -- and responsible -- to have your own place.

I won’t lie, I argue with them a lot, especially after I returned from Melbourne. There are some of my values/principles/purposes that aren’t aligned with them. Different views in some aspect of life or whatever you call it~ Which is fine, I don’t always have to agree with them of course. But it’s just getting tiring sometimes and to be honest I don’t like arguing. So I think, I better have some distance with them to keep our dynamic.

So yeah, insya auloh semuanya oke, I think gw bisa pindah kesana in the next 2-3 months.

Please pray for me because this is a huge step I’ll take. I never invest a lot before, simply because I’m too scared. But I have a good feeling about this. This is gonna be my big break and hopefully, hopefully, it will give me big positive result as well.

Wish me luck!