Regrets.

Hi!

How you guys doin?

How’s outline or how’s final project or thesis or job?

Quiet fine?

Well mine not..

I’ve been less productive this past few weeks. It’s so weird remembering that I have 25 hours a day to finish it, but I don’t, or I can’t, and I don’t know why..

Inspiration and ideas are avoiding me I guess, or they came when I wasn’t home, so.. it’s kinda complicated between us, you know what I mean?

Gosh what the hell am I writing-

The thing is there’s something definitely wrong with me, I know that, kinda feel it’s like a disease that comes seasonally, like now, it comes when I’m in holi(shit)day, along with the syndromes like I tend to sleep after 3 AM and wake up almost 12 AM, and I spend a lot of time watching DVDs, browsing, eating, sleeping, and doing any useless stuff which is not good.

And what the hell that I continue writing-

Maybe some of you, or all of you are wondering what the hell am I trying to say in this post, well guess what? Me, myself, honestly don’t know either so...

*sigh*

Well in fact there is something in my mind.

Something I’ve been thinking since I was attending my friends’ graduation last Saturday.

You see, graduation is always lame and it become lamer (is there such word ‘lamer’?) as many people exaggerating it.

For me, graduation is just another awkward moment between children and parents.

I really wish my graduation will be just like another normal day, except I have to put some make up, and wear kabaya, and my Mom has to bring a lot of tissues, and my Dad has to prepare the camcorder.

Seriously, I want it to be just like another day.

*Yeah right~*

If there’s one thing I concerned about last graduation, it was the cumlauders.

I seriously don’t know what to say to them, err.. Congratulations?

I almost cry when I saw my friend’s name on the cumlaude board.

And it got me thinking, if I -who is just her friend- could literally cried just because of that, how about her parents?

Of course they will absolutely cry.

They will shed the happiest tears on planet earth and show the most beautiful expression they could ever express because they will be so proud!

“THERE’S MY DAUGHTER’S NAME ON CUMLAUDE BOARD!”

“THERE’S MY DAUGHTER WHO REPRESENT THE WHOLE FACULTY TO SHAKE HANDS WITH THE PRINCIPAL!”

At that time I felt really guilty that my parents would never say that on my graduation day..

I have failed to make them say so,

I have failed to make them shed the happiest tears on planet earth,

I have failed to make them show the most beautiful expression they could ever express,

I have failed to make them proud..

I’ve been so careless about my GPA scores.

I have stopped to care about my scores since –God knows when–

 I have been living a life with no hard-feeling, no concern, no struggle,

I’ve been living a free life, like a bird, worry nothing, just let it flow, let’s get things done and have some fun, who cares about scores since I am enjoying my life to the fullest, what so ever,

Something I just realized, drives me to failure,

and make me.. regret.

I was wrong.

I should’ve place my scores at the first place, not because I wanna make straight A’s, not because I wanna be brighter than my friends,

just to produce smiles on my parents’ face.

I never realized it will be so important..

Not even once..

I should’ve thought of that before deciding to live a damn life!

And for that I feel so terrible to my parents.

Mom, Dad, if you guys read this, I just want to tell you that I’m sorry, I really am..

I’m sorry for being so damn selfish,

I’m sorry for not knowing how to make you guys proud,

I’m sorry for not putting my best,

I’m sorry for letting you down,

 I’m sorry that ‘sorry’ is the only word I could say right now,

I’m sorry.

Please don’t ask me why my eyes look strange tomorrow morning.