Kenapa gw se-stressed out itu

Ayo!

I’m not asking you to do something with me, coz the way you read it, it’s more like “hey yoooo” rather than Indonesian’s “ayok!”.

So hi guys, how y’all doin?

Nope, not gonna tell you anything about new job yet, coz it’s only been two days~ Too early for judgment, too early for verdict.

Sekarang mau curhat aja, dikit kok, jangan khawatir. Hanya mau meng-address sebuah pertanyaan yang jadi concern banyak orang tentang kondisi gw.

Ketika masih dalam kondisi mencari kerja, gw kan stress banget ya. Kalau lo baca postingan blog gw 3 bulan terakhir ini, keliatan bangetlah seberapa stress-nya gw.

Seperti yang pernah gw bilang, kalo gw stress, gw akan reach out ke orang-orang terdekat. Ceritain masalahnya. Syukur2 mereka bisa kasih solusi. Kalaupun mereka ga bisa kasih solusi, sekedar didengarkan sudah membuat gw merasa lebih baik.

Beberapa orang yang gw reach out itu, kadang bertanya ke gw: kenapa sih gw se-stress itu? Kenapa kondisi ga punya pekerjaan membuat gw sedepresi itu, setakut itu, secemas itu, semalu itu, se-nggak-karuan itu.

Well, gw akan menjawabnya sekarang.

I’m that kind of person who put my value, my significance, and my worth in having a job. So if I don’t have a job or unemployed, well then I wasn’t a value to the society. I wasn’t a value to my community. I wasn’t a value to my family.

This results in me cutting myself off from literally everyone because I was embarrassed~ This also results in me punishing myself over and over even though I know it wasn’t necessary.

Rini waktu itu kasih gw solusi dengan bilang “lo liburan aja, daripada di rumah ga ngapa2in, setidaknya liburan akan ngasih lo sedikit motivasi, something you look forward to by the end of the week”. Dia dengan senang hati merencanakan liburan buat gw supaya gw lebih semangat. On top of that, Rini bersedia untuk bayarin gw juga.

Tapi waktu itu gw kondisinya lagi down banget~ I was at the lowest point of my life. Jadi gw merasa ga pantas untuk bersenang-senang~ Itu hanya akan membuat gw merasa lari dari tanggungjawab~

Lagipula, liburan itu hanya kebahagiaan semu yang temporary, seperti halnya tinggal di Melbourne, lari dari realita untuk waktu yang terbatas, tapi tidak menghindarkan gw dari realita yang perlahan-lahan kembali, dan tentunya tidak mempersiapkan gw untuk menghadapi realita itu dengan lebih berani~

Point is, I wasn’t in a good mental situation to go on holiday. I didn’t wanna waste Rini’s money for something I knew I wouldn’t have enjoyed fully. She didn’t deserve that~

I know y’all would say that I should’ve handled my time being unemployed differently, that I should’ve taken the opportunity to go on holiday with Rini, that I should’ve been more relaxed..

But I just can’t, guys. I’m not that kind of person. So I thought instead of spending my time doing something fun for the sake of mental health, I’d rather spend it trying to figure out what next for me to get out of this shithole.

Yes, it’s harder and more frustrating. But at the very least I tried.

Wise word from Casey Neistat:

So yeah guys, I hope now y’all understand and get to know me better. So in the future, I won’t expect to be asked that bloody question anymore. :)

Okay then, itu aja sih inti postingan kali ini. Sekedar life updates, sekarang lagi weekend, and I think this is the most enjoyable weekend I have in the last 3 months. Hehehe…

Biasanya weekend hanya akan mengantar gw ke another weekdays, another sorrow of being unemployed when everybody else, not~ Weekend kali ini akan mengantar gw to rather productive days, which makes me feel good! :)

Gw lagi sakit tenggorokan~ Sebuah fenomena aneh, padahal gw ga makan yang aneh2~ Kata dokter, itu karena faktor cuaca dan aktivitas yang kembali sibuk setelah sekian lama tidak sibuk. Aaaww.. somehow pernyataan ini tidak membuat gw feeling bad. :)

Oh ya, gw sampai sekarang masih suka ngecekin Linkedin—ga tau kenapa, padahal seharusnya udah mulai puasa Linkedin untuk waktu lama~ Masih penasaran mungkin, atau kebiasaan lama yang belum hilang~ Gonna get rid of it soon!

Dalam beberapa minggu ke depan I’m gonna get my life back. Here is the to-do-list:

1. Do my brow

2. Buy heaps of work attire

3. Buy Mom an expensive electric kettle

4. Donate 1,8 million to Nayaka Praja Foundation

5. Buy makeups

6. Die my hair

7. More catchups with friends AFTER OFFICE HOUR (hohoho…)

8. Eat vitamins and more vegetables

9. Join wellness events

10. Start saving up for future apartment <3 o:p="">

Alright, it’s a beautiful evening. Thank you so much for reading!

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Perkenalkan, Saya Dian.

Soooo… Gw officially “lulus” dari status unemployed.

Alhamdulillah. Puji Tuhan.

Gw bersyukur banget. Setelah hampir tiga bulan jadi butiran debu di Jakarta, akhirnya gw dipercaya kembali untuk memberikan kontribusi kepada masyarakat. Akhirnya gw menemukan kembali fungsi gw di komunitas. :)

Selama tiga bulan ini gw belajar banyak soal mencari pekerjaan. Berikut gw share pelajaran yang gw dapatkan, supaya elo bisa belajar dari gw. Disclaimer: elo ga wajib mengikutinya/mempercayainya, karena pengalaman setiap orang berbeda-beda. 

1. Ambil kesempatan pertama yang datang, because another chance comes once in a blue moon.

Ini gw masih nyesel sampai sekarang. Gw seharusnya udah mulai bekerja as soon as gw sampai di Jakarta, literally ada company bagus yang menawarkan pekerjaan. Namun gw tolak karena: gajinya terlalu kecil (walau ada tunjangan tapi tidak pasti), hanya satu tahun kontrak, divisi tempat gw ditempatkan ga nyambung sama jurusan kuliah. Jika gw mau bertahan di perusahaan tersebut, gw harus ikut tes CPNS yang mana tidak gw bayangkan bisa gw ikuti jika gw bekerja full-time di sana. Tes CPNS sistemnya seperti tes IELTS. Gw ga bisa ujuk2 tes, harus persiapan intensif sebulan minimal.

It was way too early. Mindset gw masih didominasi semangat cari kerja. Bahwa kalau gw ambil pekerjaan itu, gw akan terlihat sangat desperate dan terkesan ga mau usaha. Bahwa dalam waktu dekat, company2 yang gw lamar akan merespon lamaran gw.

Well, they didn't~

If I was able to foresee what’s gonna happen to me for the next three months, I would’ve taken that opportunity.

I am so sorry for letting everyone down…

2. The longer you are unemployed; the more downgraded your value will be.

Kenapa? Karena lo ga punya pekerjaan yang bisa memberi keterangan berapa gaji bulanan lo, so technically you don’t have a power to negotiate. My last salary was in May 2016, almost two years ago. Alasan gw tidak bekerja selama hampir dua tahun adalah sekolah, TIDAK BISA dijadikan dasar untuk meminta gaji lebih tinggi~

Itu terjadi di calon kantor gw yang akan datang. Terjadi juga di kantor yang menolak gw sampai gw depresi. Ketika si HRD bertanya "lo masih di Melbourne atau di Jakarta?", gw sadar gw belum mengganti status employment gw di Majalah Ozip – Melbourne di Linkedin. Ketika si HRD minta gw kirim CV, tertera bahwa gw sudah resign sejak November—which is 5 bulan yang lalu. Dia langsung meng-cancel proses rekrutmen. So I learned that the chance of you getting hired when you’re unemployed is less than 10%.

3. Connection is the most important.

I have been living my life in the shadow of my mom. I got my first job through her connection and that job settled me the longest. After working for almost four years in XXXXX, I decided to resign and this time looked for a job on my own. No more connection, because I believe my skill and previous work experience will speak louder.

Well, it did! I got WKWKWK on my own. Nobody knew about the company. It was quite a small agency. But turned out, I loved it. If it wasn’t because of WKWKWK, I wouldn’t have got the scholarship.

With the same confidence, I applied for various jobs after I graduated. But none of them called me back until I got really desperate and depressed. I soon realized this scenario isn't working anymore. Connection is the real deal here. 

Mom came to the rescue. Using a connection and all trying to get me a job. It was hard as well, but at least it's more effective.

4. Don’t be picky.

My pickiness got me in hell for 3 months~ I don’t wanna be picky anymore. I just want to work and be productive. People like me, in the late 20s, without a job in hand, if we don’t feel productive, we don’t feel good about ourselves~

I got depressed every now and then. I consumed alcohol in the middle of a fucking day. I got anxiety all over. I couldn’t sleep well. In fact, I was terrified to sleep coz it will only lead me to another miserable day, another sorrow. I refused to take care of myself coz I thought why should I? I had no one to impress~

I was a mess.

My new job—maybe isn’t exactly what I wanted—career-wise. The moment I received the offer letter, my pickiness struck~ I was ready to say no because I am simply too vain. I feel like I can do better, I can gain better, I can achieve greater, I deserve better.

But then I recalled last three months. I remembered all the all-night anxiety and sleep deprivation. I remember reaching out to anyone and nobody responded. I remembered logging in and out LinkedIn desperately. I remembered all those formal letters to HR that never got responded. I remembered the failure and rejection. I remembered avoiding my loved ones just because I didn’t want to answer that bloody question. I remembered how awful it felt when I had no answer. I remembered nothing but a real rough life.

I finally came to sense. I fucking need this job, or else I am going crazy.

Who cares if it pays less~ Who cares if I don’t be the manager~ Who cares whom I’m gonna be working with~

I don’t do it for money, I do it for my mental health.

I do it for my inner peace.

My dear friend Nimas—who experience the same thing I do, said something very very wise.

“Why did I take the job? Well, it’s better than staying home doing nothing. I’d rather take it while waiting for a better opportunity. But if it turns out to be the best, well just enjoy it. I learn new things here anyway.”

I believe God has a plan for my future. All I have to do is to have faith.

5. If possible, don’t switch industry.

Or don’t switch role.

It’s totally okay if you feel challenged and still wanna do it. Just be mindful that it’s really rough.

Tentang Dian

Si kantor baru gw namakan Dian. Kenapa Dian? Ya karena gw pengen aja. Seperti halnya gw menamai XXXXX atau WKWKWK, karena gw pengen aja.

Dian berlokasi di Kuningan (woohoooo ciye balik lagi ke Kuningan tersayang)~ Tapi ga sepelosok XXXXX, Kuningannya masih agak depan2. Gw akan berkantor di Kuningan only for a short while, karena bulan depannya, kantornya pindah ke Gatot Subroto.

Hidup lo, Ta… Kalo ga Kuningan, Gatot Subroto. Wkwkwk~

Dian adalah sebuah e-commerce. So yeah I do switch industry and switch role as well. I really have no idea how my days in Dian will look like. I am nervous. But it’s gonna be okay. I am gonna keep myself as open-minded as I can. I’ll blog about it later. Be nice to Dian and wish me luck! :)

Mati Satu Tumbuh ……

Hi, guys! How y’all doin?

Sudah seminggu lebih sejak postingan terakhir gw yang berbau kekecewaan. Kondisi gw sekarang sudah jauh lebih baik.

Mungkin karena gw baru selesai mens, atau karena gw punya kerjaan freelance baru yang lumayan menyenangkan, atau karena… ada HRD yang baru follow up dan bilang bahwa gw lolos tahapan selanjutnya, ada juga HRD dari perusahaan yang benar2 baru (ga pernah gw apply sebelumnya) meng-approach gw untuk nawarin sebuah jabatan lumayan tinggi, daaan… ada HRD perusahaan impian yang bales message gw di LinkedIn dan meminta gw untuk kirim CV untuk di-review!

Hahahaha~

Life is surely odd.

Gw udah sering denger pepatah mati satu tumbuh seribu, tapi baru kali pertama mengalaminya. Walaupun semuanya masih meraba-raba, belum ada yang pasti, but still, it feels good. Setidaknya ada something I look forward to when I wake up in the morning.

Kemarin baru ketemuan sama Putri, yang sekarang statusnya sama persis seperti gw aka jobless af. Bedanya Putri punya banyak proyekan, mulai dari bisnis sampai freelancing. Gw cerita banyak ke Putri, she listened, and vice versa.  

Orang bilang ketika lo lagi jatuh, jangan manja, jangan cerita ke orang, hadapi semuanya sendiri dengan berani. I say that’s bullshit. Apalagi zaman sekarang ketika angka depresi meningkat setiap tahunnya. Ketika lo memutuskan untuk ga reach out ke orang saat punya masalah, well.. silahkan expect the worst that could happen, coz that’s really gonna happen.

For me personally, I do feel better ketika gw sudah cerita ke orang lain. Apalagi orang yang senasib sepenanggungan. It feels like having a support group, which is salah satu metode terapi paling efektif untuk orang2 yang punya masalah yang sama, dimana satu sama lain bisa saling belajar coping strategy untuk mengatasi masalah itu.

Alright, itu aja sih yang mau gw share hari ini. Doakan ya, guys. Insya Allah sebentar lagi. :)